It has been 17 months since my last post. I have no idea what I have been doing during this time. That's not entirely true, but on a bigger picture level it may be so. For over 60 hours a week during this time, while being on call 24/7, I helped start a home care and geriatric care management firm serving elders in the Bay Area in their homes. I worked harder than I ever have, saved lives on a daily basis in a very real way, laughed very hard with the elders, caregivers, partners and staff and as always, greatly benefitted from the wisdom that only elders can share.
I just re-read this blog and am aware of what a different place I am in now. Much less free and easy, more burdened by the responsibilities of so much engagement and service. The service has been deeply rewarding, in allowing me to transcend myself and give back to elders and caregivers, who give so much to everyone. It has been gratifying to provide the caregivers with jobs and tackle the many extreme behaviors of elders and caregivers with compassion and love. It has also been inspiring to teach people how to take better care of themselves and others. Yet I am not so sure I did the same for myself in my pursuit to help everyone. I became imbalanced by the weight of so much critical responsibility and by the nature of dealing with people in crisis whose illnesses may not allow them to improve their lives or allow anyone else to do so either in their learned misery.
So, I am bringing myself back into balance by spending more time doing other things that I love, like: writing, updating this blog, designing, playing guitar and singing, cooking, taking long walks and doing yoga at the beach, having fun with friends, returning to my life that involves activities other than work. Now don't get me wrong, I have more fun and a better quality of life than many folks, but I also have a commitment to fun and happiness that is demanding. I am remembering, as I work with elders who are looking back upon their lives, that I am creating a legacy for myself that must involve a dash of all the things that make me truly happy. Otherwise, it is like making bran muffins with too much baking soda-an old memory of mine from childhood. I can still see myself standing over the muffin tin on the old Wolf grill w/ the mint julip muffin liners, filled with apple-bran muffins whose recipe I made up with a heavy dose of baking soda. No one would eat them and I ate all 12, even if they were terrible, while trying to convince everyone that they were great.
I'm not trying to convince anyone that everything is so great anymore. I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything anymore, even if it is for their betterment. People have to figure it out on their own unless they are ready to ask for or to receive help. They will just resent you if you try to help without such. You may be the only person who ever tells them the truth, and that alone is powerful, but often times the truth teller is simply taken out because folks don't want to hear the truth and then both suffer. Living in illusion is much easier, or so we think. The secret is to speak the truth to those who can hear it. It is the speaker's job to discern who can truly hear and see them.
It is not difficult, but when the truth teller doesn't tell themselves the truth, that's when the distortion starts and the false words that others say about them start to take effect. If this ever happens to you, walk away from whomever is not seeing you in a polite fashion and go find somebody who does. This person will never see you. It is not a matter of education or training or time. It is a matter of awareness. While I believe in self-realization and the power of change, it is a fact that humans change and adapt very slowly and the likelihood that most of the people you have this experience with will change any time soon in a remarkable way, is slim. It's taken me a while to figure this out, being a big believer in quantum physics and transformation. But, fortunately or unfortunately, I believe it is true.
That means that in this moment, riding on the Solar Eclipse and New Moon energies of yesterday, I choose to see myself and surround myself with folks who truly see me. They don't want me to be different-but love me for exactly who I am, flaws and all. It is not new information, but it has taken me a while to fully get it. It does not mean that I do not engage with people who are very different from myself. It simply means that I don't have time to explain what I am talking about all day or debate with people who don't want to know what I am talking about. It means that I only want to be around people who inspire me in every aspect of my life. I am blessed to have so many people who truly see me in my life. I try to offer this to others and do not always succeed. I try again.
Don't ever give up on trying to see yourself and others in the most authentic way possible, free of judgment and distortion with a relaxed gaze to put things in focus. It clears so much of the crap and allows us to truly relate and be with one another in honesty. Not honesty without compassion = brutality, one of my Dad's favorite quotes, but heart-felt honesty. One that only comes from people who tell the truth to themselves first. You'll know the difference when you see it.
In truth and love,
Tara
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